I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
