i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize