Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
