I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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