I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
