Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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