shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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