i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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