people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Boobs are out for the taking
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
