you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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