We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
