It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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