I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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