I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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