I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
