I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
