Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
