Soap is not a condiment
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
