Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
