my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
