Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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