Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
