Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
