Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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