Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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