my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize