apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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