Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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