Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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