Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
