I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
