She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
