Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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