GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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