if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
