Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
