she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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