Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
