my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
