did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
