I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
