Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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