Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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