Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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