she was so not down for the gang bang
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
