Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
