she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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