I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize