You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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