I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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