6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize