Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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