My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
