His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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