Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
