i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
