Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize