She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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