Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
