then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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