I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
