WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
